I've got a million things to do today because we are having a couple of friends over for drinks tonight to celebrate the New Year, but instead, it's almost 11am, I'm not dressed, and I'm only on my first cup of coffee.
The thing is, I tossed and turned all night and feel like merde this morning. In fact, I've tossed and turned every night since being back in France. At first, I blamed lingering jet lag, but I've been back a week now, and I still can't seem to sleep well.
I honestly think it's my body rejecting being back in this apartment, back in my bed.
(Not back with the bébés though, because they are snuggly and warm and I love sleeping next to them.)
I also think I'm an anxious mess at the thought of not finding a job I like in the next little while and 2 things may happen:
1) The unemployment agency can send you 3 jobs they think you could do, and you have to apply for them. If you don't apply, they cut you off (it doesn't count if you apply and don't end up getting the job). I've already got one, and it's for a bilingual receptionist. I've mentioned before how I HATE the phone (in English or in French), and the thought of being trapped at a front desk all day answering phones in a stuffy office environment makes me lose sleep. Literally.
2) I end up taking a teaching job out of desperation (not for the money, but to keep the unemployment agency off my back). Within weeks, I'll likely be an anxious mess at the thought of having to go in and teach again, and will continue to lose sleep. Literally.
Now, a few things before you guys jump down my throat for being a Negative Nancy:
I live in a tiny town 45 minutes outside of Grenoble. I don't drive on the highway because of my car accident, so I'd have to take the bus if I worked in Grenoble. I'm willing to do that, but only because there are absolutely no jobs (even for people who can't speak English) around where I live. But if I'm going to haul my ass on public transportation every morning and every night, I'd like to at least be excited to be going to work.
My Dad asked me while I was in Canada, "So what do you WANT to do for a job?" I told him that based on where I'm living and a few of my criteria (I'd like a job where I can speak some English, not have to drive far or take more than one bus, something that does good for others or society), that it's currently not a question of what I want, but what is available out here. There are many jobs I'd LOVE to do, and would be quite good at, but the truth is, there just aren't such possibilities in my neck of the woods. And believe me, I've had months to look around.
And my Mom keeps telling me to write articles for magazines and such. Writing is a hobby of mine, and sure I'd love to be a freelance journalist, but it's hard to make a living on, and the unemployment people won't care. They'll keep sending me job offers for teaching and secretarial work, and I'll end up having to take one of them or risk losing my monthly unemployment payment. And I'm not sure I have the self discipline to be a full-time freelance writer, anyway. I'd love for writing to be part of my job, but I'm not a very good boss of myself. And as much as I hate to admit it, I actually DO need to get out of my house and work with other people. Being home alone all day, every day is not going to be possible. Not even with the bébés to keep me company. I don't have much of a social life here, and being cooped up all day won't make me like life in France any more.
I realize how lucky I am that I can say I don't need to work (at least not full-time if I don't want to), but the fact is, I'd like to work. I'd like to do something that makes me happy, and the last thing I want is to fall back into a job that turns my insides all twisty and stressed out like all the jobs I've ever had in France. Last week, there was a job posting on the unemployment agency's website for someone to work part-time taking care of the cats at the animal shelter in Grenoble where I volunteer. I held my breath as I read the ad, thinking, Oh my god, this is my dream job! I already do that at the shelter for free, because I love it, and if I could do that and get paid...I was so excited I couldn't wait to tell Max.
Until I noticed that the job was only available for people qualified for a sort of "work reinsertion" program. It's confusing, but ultimately, I didn't even qualify to apply because I'm apparently "not in difficulty to find work". I was crushed, but applied anyway. This was just about a week ago, and I haven't had any news, so I'm pretty sure there's no chance they'll offer me the job. This was the kind of job that would have made me jump out of bed in the morning, ready and happy to go to work. But it won't be mine.
So the search goes on. I look at my Bachelor of Arts degree hanging on my wall and silently curse it. This diploma is good for nothing here, besides teaching. Oh how I wish I had done something else at university! I know I'm not too old to start over, but sometimes it feels that way. I'm scared to start any kind of school, because Max is likely going to be transferred somewhere else in the next year or so. And I've always said I don't want to go back to school in French. Maybe I'll look into online stuff...at least it would keep me busy. But what if I get a qualification for something, and never find a job in the field?
I haven't ranted on here in a while because I don't want to deal with negative feedback. (Also? Blogger is not letting me upload photos from my computer, so I had to figure out something else to post). I'm not trying to sound whiny or pessimistic, and I do realize I'm in a good situation in life. For that, I am grateful. But I also want to feel useful and contribute to society in a positive way. I want to work somewhere and be happy to go, make new friends, and use my brain. I know it will happen some day, but I'm starting to wonder when...