I've got a million things to do today because we are having a couple of friends over for drinks tonight to celebrate the New Year, but instead, it's almost 11am, I'm not dressed, and I'm only on my first cup of coffee.
The thing is, I tossed and turned all night and feel like merde this morning. In fact, I've tossed and turned every night since being back in France. At first, I blamed lingering jet lag, but I've been back a week now, and I still can't seem to sleep well.
I honestly think it's my body rejecting being back in this apartment, back in my bed.
(Not back with the bébés though, because they are snuggly and warm and I love sleeping next to them.)
I also think I'm an anxious mess at the thought of not finding a job I like in the next little while and 2 things may happen:
1) The unemployment agency can send you 3 jobs they think you could do, and you have to apply for them. If you don't apply, they cut you off (it doesn't count if you apply and don't end up getting the job). I've already got one, and it's for a bilingual receptionist. I've mentioned before how I HATE the phone (in English or in French), and the thought of being trapped at a front desk all day answering phones in a stuffy office environment makes me lose sleep. Literally.
2) I end up taking a teaching job out of desperation (not for the money, but to keep the unemployment agency off my back). Within weeks, I'll likely be an anxious mess at the thought of having to go in and teach again, and will continue to lose sleep. Literally.
Now, a few things before you guys jump down my throat for being a Negative Nancy:
I live in a tiny town 45 minutes outside of Grenoble. I don't drive on the highway because of my car accident, so I'd have to take the bus if I worked in Grenoble. I'm willing to do that, but only because there are absolutely no jobs (even for people who can't speak English) around where I live. But if I'm going to haul my ass on public transportation every morning and every night, I'd like to at least be excited to be going to work.
My Dad asked me while I was in Canada, "So what do you WANT to do for a job?" I told him that based on where I'm living and a few of my criteria (I'd like a job where I can speak some English, not have to drive far or take more than one bus, something that does good for others or society), that it's currently not a question of what I want, but what is available out here. There are many jobs I'd LOVE to do, and would be quite good at, but the truth is, there just aren't such possibilities in my neck of the woods. And believe me, I've had months to look around.
And my Mom keeps telling me to write articles for magazines and such. Writing is a hobby of mine, and sure I'd love to be a freelance journalist, but it's hard to make a living on, and the unemployment people won't care. They'll keep sending me job offers for teaching and secretarial work, and I'll end up having to take one of them or risk losing my monthly unemployment payment. And I'm not sure I have the self discipline to be a full-time freelance writer, anyway. I'd love for writing to be part of my job, but I'm not a very good boss of myself. And as much as I hate to admit it, I actually DO need to get out of my house and work with other people. Being home alone all day, every day is not going to be possible. Not even with the bébés to keep me company. I don't have much of a social life here, and being cooped up all day won't make me like life in France any more.
I realize how lucky I am that I can say I don't need to work (at least not full-time if I don't want to), but the fact is, I'd like to work. I'd like to do something that makes me happy, and the last thing I want is to fall back into a job that turns my insides all twisty and stressed out like all the jobs I've ever had in France. Last week, there was a job posting on the unemployment agency's website for someone to work part-time taking care of the cats at the animal shelter in Grenoble where I volunteer. I held my breath as I read the ad, thinking, Oh my god, this is my dream job! I already do that at the shelter for free, because I love it, and if I could do that and get paid...I was so excited I couldn't wait to tell Max.
Until I noticed that the job was only available for people qualified for a sort of "work reinsertion" program. It's confusing, but ultimately, I didn't even qualify to apply because I'm apparently "not in difficulty to find work". I was crushed, but applied anyway. This was just about a week ago, and I haven't had any news, so I'm pretty sure there's no chance they'll offer me the job. This was the kind of job that would have made me jump out of bed in the morning, ready and happy to go to work. But it won't be mine.
So the search goes on. I look at my Bachelor of Arts degree hanging on my wall and silently curse it. This diploma is good for nothing here, besides teaching. Oh how I wish I had done something else at university! I know I'm not too old to start over, but sometimes it feels that way. I'm scared to start any kind of school, because Max is likely going to be transferred somewhere else in the next year or so. And I've always said I don't want to go back to school in French. Maybe I'll look into online stuff...at least it would keep me busy. But what if I get a qualification for something, and never find a job in the field?
I haven't ranted on here in a while because I don't want to deal with negative feedback. (Also? Blogger is not letting me upload photos from my computer, so I had to figure out something else to post). I'm not trying to sound whiny or pessimistic, and I do realize I'm in a good situation in life. For that, I am grateful. But I also want to feel useful and contribute to society in a positive way. I want to work somewhere and be happy to go, make new friends, and use my brain. I know it will happen some day, but I'm starting to wonder when...
16 comments:
I totally relate, I have a bachelor of Arts as well and it seems that I can only get well paying, but boring, secretarial jobs. My dad pressures me into being a freelance and pitching for papers back home but somehow I don't know where to start.
Even though we're not getting any younger, I still believe we'll be able to find something :)
I curse my degree almost constantly. On paper, I have a great job. But ugh, it's so boring (computer programming and accounting, bleh). I try to focus on the positive - I like my coworkers, I get to go to an awesome workout program at work three days a week, I can take public transit, it pays well, it gets me out of the house. But ugggghhhhh. It is so boring.
It's your blog write whatever you want. If people want to complain then they don't have to read.
I've been home sick from work the past couple of days and have finished up reading most of your blog. All the way from young Crystal coming to France for 7 month to your life now. It seems that through the years and trials this blog has been a good place for you to be honest and put your feeling out there. I would think that has helped you cope. You made it through three years of Paris and that shows someone with a drive to push through the bad things.
Thanks for letting us internet strangers come along on the last 7 years and I hope you keep blogging for another 7 :)
Hope you find a job you love and that 2013 ends up being a great year for you.
On a practical note I have taken Ativan for stress induced insomnia.
Cynthia - It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one in my situation :) I'm sure we'll both end up ok, but sometimes I wish I could go back and do it all over again!
Jane - it seems like your job has more pros than cons? I don't expect to find the perfect job, but I'd be happy with something like yours...even if it's a bit boring ;)
Wonky - Thanks for your comment :) It's nice to hear from people who have followed along since the beginning and who take an interest in this little expat life of mine. I don't plan on stopping my blog any time soon, and I'll still be as honest as I've always been. It's nice to have supporters out there :)
This blog stirs my inner-dreamer and inner-traveler :)
I don't know if I've ever commented on your blog before, but I've been reading it for quite some time. I myself was an assistant many, many (yikes so many) years ago, and am now a lecturer in English lit in the UK (in British terms lecturer = assistant professor). I wanted to come out of lurkdom to say a couple of things, because your post really broke my heart. Your sadness and frustration is palpable, and I really feel for you.
The first thing I want to say is that you should, by no means, curse your degree! I realize I am biased, but an English degree has done wonderful things for you - you are clearly articulate and thoughtful, a captivating writer and have excellent critical analytic skills. One thing I always try to stress to my students is that the main point of a university degree is to learn those skills: analytic and independent thinking, research skills and writing skills. While it is tempting to think that a more 'functional' degree will be more useful, historically, that is really not the case. For one thing, the types of jobs available are always changing, so what if you get a degree in say, accounting, but then that becomes totally redundant with technological advances? More to the point, having a degree in a particular subject will not guarantee you a job. To give one example, many students here who would do literature instead do law, thinking it will guarantee a job. Funnily, one of the least hirable degrees is law and the legal industry is well-saturated with job seekers! I know in France it is different with all of the technical degrees/BTS/DTS certs, and I'm not saying that everyone should do lit. I'm just saying that if you took a degree, learned something and enjoyed it, it was not a waste.
The second thing I wanted to ask was whether or not you have the option of speaking to a counselor or something? I find that speaking to a third party is often helpful in working myself out, and it just seems like your life is being diverted by so many anxieties. If nothing else, maybe talking to someone would help you get over some of your worries about driving or other concerns? I know it isn't for everyone, but if you have the option, it never hurts to try!
Sorry for the novel-length comment (and also sorry for not using my name, but you know - public facing job, students, etc.). I hope that you find something to make you happy and keep on trying!
Oh, how much relate. It's so hard when you have all the skills and yet no one seems to care about them!
i struggle with this all the time. Like what if I did go back to school would that help me get a job? Probably not really.
I think I would try freelance writing anyway - because once you build up those skills you could use them in your job application as experience which should be more valueable than your degree anyway.
Job finding in a foreign country is frustrating! I'm sorry that you might have to take a job you do not enjoy- it's one of the worst feelings (to hate where you have to be 5 days a week). I can't work due to the type of visa I have- that is unless someone wants to "sponsor me", but of course no company wants to take the time and submit all the paperwork. Sigh.
Hi Crystal, how about maybe trying to become a veterinarian here in France? If, of course, you feel comfortable enough in French to go through school or even want to...I don't think it would take you too long and maybe be a dream job for you that you can literally take anywhere...In any case, good luck with your endeavours and happy new year!
Isabelle
Optimistic - Thanks for stopping by and commenting :) Glad I can provide some sort of inspiration to someone!
Anon - Thanks for taking the time to write such a thoughtful comment :) I only curse my degree because I had originally wanted to use it to get into a journalism program in Canada, but I ended up moving to France instead. I guess it now just reminds me of "what could have been," and my passions have changed since uni. I used to want to be a writer/editor, but now I would give anything to work with animals. Unfortunately for that, most places need some sort of science or animal management type degree. And for the therapy thing...I've considered it, but I'm not very comfortable explaining my emotions in French. And I tend to be very analytical/critical of my situation and can definitely look at things from an outside perspective. This all to say that I think I know what any therapist would say to me, and I guess I don't want to pay to hear what I've been telling myself all along ;)
Deidre - I know we are in a similar boat at the moment, and we can definitely boost each other up! Your comment about freelance makes a lot of sense, and I know I should dive in, but I tend to be productive when I have deadlines and accountability, and being home alone with no such things makes it hard for me to get stuff done!
Lovely Light - Oh I know the feeling. I wasn't allowed to work in France after my assistantship ended, so my marriage to Max was a bit sooner than planned so I could get the right Visa! Some days I wish I weren't allowed to work here though...it would take some of the pressure off!
Isabelle - Thanks for stopping by :) I've actually never wanted to be a veterinarian exactly. I'd love to be a vet tech, or work in a shelter/animal welfare association. Unfortunately in France, I don't qualify for many programs because of my age (being over 26 in France means you pretty much don't exist anymore), and there arent a ton of opportunities to work with animals where I am now, besides the cat and dog shelters (where I volunteer, but they aren't hiring people like me...). I'm going to discuss school/program options with my career counsellor the next time I have an appt with her, just to see (realistically) what my options are!
I have been reading your blog for years and I feel for you, I really do. I can really relate to how you are feeling. There are far less job opportunities outside of Paris and it is difficult when you don't have a car/are terrified of driving (as is the case with me as well).
I know about not knowing which path to take. There are so many options, but no option seems to be THE ONE, the one that answers all my doubts and questions.
And the age thing is another thorn in my side. I am thirty too, and I have found one door closed after another. I could never take part in a formation par alternance, as I can't imagine many companies would be willing to pay the extra fees involved in hiring somebody over 26.
And then there is the pregnancy thing. Everyone thinks that because I am 30 and married that I will fall pregnant any second. I don't want children. It is hard to find a job as a thirty-year-old married woman with no children, whether I want them or not.
Keep on writing Crystal and I'll keep commiserating.
Good luck, Crystal! I'm a bit in the same boat - although I'd be happy to teach! - but the only teaching jobs here are paying total peanuts or are miles away and are for 2 hours a week. Or both.
I've only had 1 job sent to me, which I applied for and heard nothing back from. But then I've not had any actual money from the Unemployment office yet either!
What a shame about the job at the animal shelter! I think you were wise to apply anyway. Fingers crossed that you may still hear back!
I completely understand how you feel. My career opportunities in France are what really makes me unhappy when I'm there. I just feel there has to be more available to an intelligent, educated person than teaching English or bilingual receptionist/secretary. Though I find that even the receptionist/secretary positions can be difficult to get without a BTS. It's very frustrating.
Like you, I also curse my degrees and can't help but think from time to time that my Masters degree serves no purpose and gets me nothing in France. Of course, my Masters is in French, which could be seen as even more worthless.
Despite all the obstacles and all the frustration, I still force myself to try to remain positive. I know that at some point a better job opportunity has to present itself, and that idea is what keeps me going. I don't believe that I will never be able to find a job that makes me happy, or that at least doesn't make me completely miserable, so I keep going and I keep trying to find something better. And this time in the US has helped me realize that even here I'm not guaranteed to get a job I will like.
All I can say is keep searching and try to stay positive! Something has to come along at some point, and until then, at least you have plenty of people who understand how you feel and who are in similar situations that you can commiserate with. Good luck with your search!
Hi first time commenter here. And yes, I too am going through a crappy situation. I graduated with a B.S. in Geology and live in Houston (energy capital of America) and I can't get a job unless it's secretarial or data entry. Both of which don't even require a college degree. It's depressing, soul crushing, and makes me bitter. The problem I'm having is my lack of experience. Companies wouldn't hire me in college because I didn't have a degree and companies won't hire me now because I don't have experience. It wasn't always like that. Employers actually used to take on new people and train them, but since so many of them have made cut backs (and the first thing to go was training) they only inbreed and pick from the pool of people who are well experienced and already working (people who AREN'T looking for jobs). I have french citizenship and was hoping my prospects would be better there, but alas it's the same. Some days are good and I'm pretty chipper, but some are worse than others. Only thing I can say is stay positive when you can. It's not much different over here. P.S. My cat Onion looks EXACTLY like Noe!
Michele, thanks for your comment. I know you "get" it more than most would. I'm definitely trying to stay positive and am holding out for a job I'd actually like. Problem is, they seem few and far between out here! But I'm lucky that I DO have unemployment money for a while yet, so I can take my time finding a good fit for me. Being at home alone every day is hard though...
Maiwenn, thanks for leaving a comment! It's nice to know I'm not the only one feeling this way. And I totally understand how the whole "you need experience to get a job, but how do you get experience if companies won't hire you" catch. Believe me, I've been feeling bitter and discouraged a lot lately!
I'd love to see a photo of Onion! That's like the BEST name ever, by the way :)
This is almost exactly my situation, and I know so well how frustrating and depressing it is! I'm from Australia and lived in Paris for a year, an an exchange student. The plan was to finish my degree (Bachelor of Arts), go back to Australia, and complete the paid internship I already had lined up with the government, then transition into an awesome, well paid full time job, gain international experience, and eventually go back to France to live. Well, long story short, I met, fell in love with, and married an American soldier, and now find myself living in a military town in Tennessee with no family, very few friends, a husband that works at least 12 hrs a day (and just got back from deployment to Afghanistan), and worst of all - no employment opportunities. Even a $7.25/hr cashier job ($5 an hour less than what I was earning 10 years ago in Australia as a cashier in high school) I failed at getting because I'm "over qualified", yet an administration assistant position position offering the grand sum of $8, I apparently didn't have the requisite experience. Granted, I probably would have gone insane having to work in either of these jobs, but I got desperate. Now I'm almost 29, and I guess you can say I'm a stay at home wife and fur mama. Not exactly what I envisaged for myself. I'd LOVE to work with animals too, but can't afford another lot of college tuition. So trust me girl, I feel ya! I know that doesn't help your situation, but just know that you're not alone. (sorry about the book I just realised I almost wrote haha)
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